***Published in MH September 2011 issue.
It is a shame that most men don’t know a single thing when it comes to approaching women properly, because it is so easy if done in the right frame of mind – and with a great game plan as a follow-through. The approach should be an enjoyable experience for you and the girl that you are going to meet. Unfortunately, few men have the ability to give women that thrill and excitement that they’re looking for whether at a club, the cinema, sports event, or on the beach. Much more often, women get approached by guys who make them feel uncomfortable and cause their “force fields” to rise up and palms ready to connect with the face of the next obnoxious guy.
Let’s face it guys, most of you need to get seriously clued-in when it comes to the art of seducing women. And so, with the help of some of my friends, let me walk you through the proper ways of approaching women in select places. But first, let’s get one thing clear: Do not get sucked into thinking that you can only find girls to date when you’re out at a party or at the bar. They’re on the street, in a store, in class, the cinemas, and nearly everywhere you go. All you have to do is play close attention and get your game on.
At a Club
Popular bars and clubs are not labeled ‘target rich environments’ for nothing. These are the easiest and most convenient places to meet women; where large numbers of available women come out to socialize and let loose. And why not? The alcohol is flowing, which aids in keeping inhibitions locked away in the cupboard until after inebriation wears off – and regret seeps in. Or maybe not. And though it may not be true for all women, but mostly, these girls who aren’t accompanied by boyfriends or husbands are HOPING to be seduced.
Think about it: They did not spend three hours preparing themselves earlier in the evening, choosing the perfect outfit and shoes, doing their hair and makeup, and mastering the come-hither look for another hour in front of the mirror so that they could ONLY hang out with their girlfriends and blow off every guy who tries to talk to them. Truth is, even when these girls are acting “too cool” for the room or for anyone, never assume that they don’t want to be approached and picked up. This attitude is key is you’re going to master the art of seducing women in clubs.
There is a STRATEGY to be employed when you approach women or want to pick up girls in bars — and even more importantly, you’ve got to know how to switch from the approach into the conversation. And not just any old conversation, the type of chit-chat she’d had to put up with from the last 29 guys who tried (and failed) to get her interested:
“So what’s your name?”
“Where are you from?”
And so on. Guys who attempt conversations this way DO NOT have any game plan or strategy in mind, and so they wind up running out of steam and losing the girl’s attention very quickly.
Instead, start by using what’s called a “neutral-opinion opener.” What that means is you ask her a question about something that has nothing to do with you. Here are some questions you can toy around with:
“What do you think of this place?”
“Have you heard the news about the IMF President? What you think about that?”
To some women, it may not even matter greatly what you say but what can work to your advantage is that calm and collected demeanor. Girls may be hit on almost every day, and they know why you came up to talk to them. They may not be paying attention to what you’re saying, and rather how you are saying it. For instance, she may look for: Are you confident? Are you comfortable talking to her? Are your shoulders hunched over, or back? Do you slouch?
Do your best to appear comfortable and she will feel comfortable enough not to blow you off – just yet.
On the Beach
Another popular place to meet girls is the beach where alcohol is, again, ubiquitous, and nearly everyone’s half-naked. Now some men may think approaching girls in such an open and uninhibited environment is as easy as brushing your teeth – it is not. Here, women tend to be more judgmental or critical of people, especially men, so you would really want to get it right the first try. Contrary to popular belief, women know what they want, which makes it fairly easy for them to eliminate men within seconds.
Start by engaging her in a conversation. Once you’re talking, keep it up. Make the banter interesting. You may want to come up with some stories about you that are funny or interesting. You are fairly interesting, aren’t you? Try to not fall into the interview technique by asking things like: What do you do? Where do you live? Where did you go to school?
Once you’re engaged in a conversation with a woman, I recommend you DO excuse yourself for a while. This is one of the most powerful ways to show self-confidence. Tell her you have to go and check in on some friends who are playing Frisbee nearby. Or you need to go and make a phone call to your staff, or your dog walker or whatever –just make yourself appear important and in control of your world. Or you want to go say hello to your friend the bartender. Then, walk away and do your own thing for a while.
If within those few minutes you have actually managed to get her interested, then she will miss your presence — even when comfortably nestled against the relaxing background of turquoise waters and clear skies. And when you do come back and rejoin her, whether it is after five minutes or an hour later, she will be looking forward to it.
The typical guy, when he’s out trying to pick up girls, will meet a girl, start talking to her, and NOT leave her side.
He will keep “working it” as best he can (usually, this means a lot of babbling and asking uninteresting questions), fearing that if he DOES walk away for a minute — even to go to the bathroom — she will get distracted with something else or get scooped up by another guy.
Behave in the opposite way. Be unpredictable. Have a strategy for every situation and every step of the interaction, so that instead of “hoping for the best” you will be guiding the situation towards the result you want.
And while you’re at it, why not invite her to join you and your friends for a round of Frisbee or beach volleyball?
At a Movie house
You saw her standing outside the movie house with her friends, probably in a queue for popcorn and soda. You find her absolutely interesting and want desperately to approach her. What to do?
An attractive girl usually has people complimenting her on her looks – how cute she is, how nice she is, how she makes jaws drop wherever she goes. Typical. Bear in mind that by now, she’s probably used to empty compliments and if you become the next guy to come up and tell her how pretty she is, she’ll appreciate the compliment, but she won’t find you attractive. Unless you’re Chris Hemsworth, then you probably won’t even have to try. But since you are not Thor himself, try to remain calm and casual. Make a little joke at her expense. For instance, you could say something like “Wow, that’s a big purse! Do you have a BB gun in there?” or if she’s dressed up “I like your shoes…they look really comfortable”. Refrain from commenting on her appearance too often. Telling a woman that she is attractive is a great idea, true, but do not come across as too smitten or obsessed as this will surely freak her out.
Try flirting with her a bit. Yes, even with her friends around, because then she would know you are a confident, self-assured guy. But don’t try too hard.
Ask for her number. After a few minutes, if you’re having a good time chatting, cut things off on a high note, and politely ask for her number. Say that you’re mighty glad to have met her, but you really need to get back to your friends (or whatever else you were about to do before you started talking to her). If she hesitates, you can joke with her and say that you promise to only call her 50 times a day, but that’s all. You could also just get her email address (almost everyone has one, and is OK with handing it out, especially for a charming guy like you) or ask permission to add her on Facebook. But before you do that, make sure your Facebook is somewhat sanitized – if you know what I mean. The last thing a girl would want to see on your Facebook page is tons of photos of yourself in various states of inebriation; too many photos of you and your Ex; or very distasteful wall posts by your friends.
Now if you do get lucky in getting her digits, text her as you’re leaving the mall with your friends, then call her the next day. The rule about waiting to call was made for guys who acted too needy on the first meeting. Give her a nickname. If you call her “cutie” at the cinema, then when you call her you can say “Hey, cutie… it’s Me.” instead of “Umm, this is (your name). We met at the cinema the other night.”
If it seems like you’re being too needy, you probably are. You don’t have to text or call her every day, especially in the beginning. It’s safe to take a step back (if needed) and not disappear completely.
At a Sports Event
As you may have already deduced by now, you can use the same strategy you have employed on the first three scenarios to nearly all other possible scenarios you may find yourself smack in the middle of. It is, at the very least, about showing a healthy sense of curiosity. She knows why you’re talking to her. You’re interested. You won’t try to hide it now, would you?
You’ve met her at a sports event, perhaps a road race, so it doesn’t take rocket science to figure out at least one thing she might be interested in. Build on it. If she’s up for the conversation, she will give you something to work with. “It was a tough route, wasn’t it? “she says. You won’t derail the conversation now by moving on to another subject by saying “Ah, okay. So, where are you from?” Instead, here, you just let it flow.
She smiles, so you allow yourself to be daring. “I saw you when you crossed the 4km mark and I thought you were pretty strong out there.” You look into her eyes for about a minute, and offer to accompany her to the hydration area. On the way there, try to keep the conversation going by saying something about her running shoes or complimenting her on her running form.
All through this, even though she only spoke a little – bear in mind that you are still a stranger, as far as she is concerned – you found out a lot about her. She responds to your queries; she laughs at your jokes; so she likes that you talk to her. She plays along with your quips and that says a lot about her personality. She’s got character – and she’s got you.
The game is on. And it all started because you were daring enough to approach her. What you and every other man out there should remember is that the first few minutes count a lot when it comes to approaching women. A girl will gladly chat with you if you step up like an honest and good-hearted man and talk to her. The worst that will happen is that she will respectfully decline, and even then, she will probably tell her friends about that cool guy who approached her today, took her out of her boring routine and made her feel special and appreciated.
The first minutes, or even seconds, serve to get an overall “feel” for the person you have in front of you. Both of you will gain a lot of unspoken information from just a bit of interaction, and you will be able to tell easily how well you get along. Focus on the vibe that’s going on. Do not let it fizzle out.
Most importantly, don’t let the fact that she’s a stranger deter you. Yes, it’s a big step, but once you have your own plan to approach girls, you will gain major brownie points from her just for approaching her like a good man that you are.